Monday, December 7, 2009
A courtesy flush to kill the world
At first it just seemed like coincidence, but now I'm fairly certain that all women in Japanese public bathrooms do this: courtesy flush--even if there's nothing to be courteous about. After all, it is a bathroom, albeit public, we have the same basic behaviors in there. We might be more vulnerable to a few noises of the gastrointestinally-challenged, but it's no cause for alarm. However, in Japan, even the sound of trickling pee is too much to handle. The moment a woman sits down, she flushes the toilet. Thereafter, she flushes it again many times, so that none of her stall mates have the slightest idea what's really going on in there. Is it really such a mystery? There's only a few things that someone would really spend the time doing in a public bathroom. So, why waste the eight gallons of water per flush simply to create the illusion that all you're doing behind closed bathroom doors is flushing a toilet? We know that's not all that's going on in there. Give it up girls, I wanna hear you pee for the sake of letting the environment be!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
leaves of color
Japan's four distinct seasons allow foreigners and natives alike to enjoy the same parts of the country several times over. As a city known for its wealth of traditional Japanese heritage, Kyoto is a popular destination anytime of year. But, with the fall foliage in full bloom, it's tree tops are attracting endless masses that could dampen the experience.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Seoul searching
Wherever our travels may take us, the journey itself is a quest for authenticity. That truly Italian cup of espresso you sip as you sit in a sidewalk cafe. That untrodden road leading to a local's only beach. The handcrafted jewelry you bought after a successful barter. In experiencing a place, we want to feel this unique sense of culture, as if we truly know what it is like for those who live it daily. We are prideful of those sacred moments with natives or those seemingly unspotted places in the city that remain untouched by a foreign glance. We hope we are the first to find a place and knight it with a shining glow of authenticity.
The journey is always the inspiration that leads us to another place. Authenticity cannot be defined by a text and taught in a class where the light bulb blinks once something in finally understood. Authenticity shoots random beams of light through the cracks in the floor--it is that mysterious light that has crept itself around the corner, egging you follow it. In our travels, we find ourselves, which the most authentic belonging we can possess. With each new stop, each random encounter, each fleeting moment is still an impressionable memory that changes us permanently like a scar--we will never forget how it marked us and we carry it even if we've lost our belongings and permanence in life.
Gibran says, "the lust for comfort murders the passions of the soul, and then walks grinning in the funeral." Travelers who find the hostel aren't seeking comfort, they're hoping for adventure and an experience they remember regardless of where they were. We often forget that the homes we make may not always be permanent or well-known. They are a shelter from the cold, a home away from home, and an inspiration to move again.
I guess it's Thanksgiving
Turkey Day has come and gone in this far away land of lackluster American holidays. Of course, Japanese don't question the arbitrary tendency to celebrate Christmas, a holiday with absolutely no religious or cultural significance and in fact is more similar to Valentines Day. Surely the Japanese have heard of the brutal sabotage of the Native Americans and how Pilgrims single-handedly destroyed any sense of their heritage other than the reservations they deign to live on. But, I guess today is a day where our bellies are too full to realize how bringing up the white man's burden created a whole new sense of American history.

Friday, November 20, 2009
Bow all means!
Pipe down, conservative wackjobs. When I read that there was actually controversy of President Obama's bow to Japanese Emperor Akihito, I imagined Dick Cheney sitting on his toilet taking a dump, almost herniating over the news.
Since Obama's inauguration, conservatives have been in a delicate mourning of Democratic victory. They, of course, scrutinize every move Obama makes, which certainly is expected of any government official. Even still, respecting the custom of the country you're visiting could hardly be considered "groveling", as some reported.
Obama has recently been made an honorary citizen of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, in order to make amends with a historically crass relationship with Japan and deem America's status against nuclear warfare. His bow, to a son of a former Emperor during the atomic bombings of World War II, seemed only an appropriate gesture of appreciation for said citizenship.

Perhaps the handshake alone is far too right-winged; a symbolic screw you and your customs. And the 90-degree bow is culturally appropriate and dignified, but with that hand shake gumming up the real significance of it's meaning, it just looks awkward and can't please either party. Nonetheless, conservatives wouldn't be satisfied unless Obama wore a mask portraying him as a white republican, so chances are he'll be online fodder for weeks regardless.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Brutal Polka
We take our time getting dressed. Put on some music to loosen up a little while we scrutinize every blemish on our face. We have a blank slate and a full plate that we hope is first class and paid for. Dating is exciting. It's a chance to meet new people and feel like the possibilities are endless.
Dates can be daunting as well. You might go blindly into it, set up by your friend who's friend of a friend is also single. You might find yourself sitting sadly while you wait for a not-so-charming prince to arrive as you belly up to the bar for a second margarita salted with tears. You might sit passively, nodding to your drone of a date while your inner self is devising a stealthy escape through the bathroom window.
Whether you're reveling in dessert that's as decadent as the man across from you, or swearing off the opposite sex all together because you just can't seem to find the right one, there's always one thing you can count on: the rules of the game.
The dating game is different in every country and with it comes a set of prescribed steps to take before strapping into the roller coaster we call a relationship. In Japan, they call this roller coaster a jet coaster, which refers to the same mechanism, but in just a slight change of the word, the ride can be completely different.
Japanese dating can best be described as a brutal polka. The traditionally Czech dance is a series of small half-steps with a partner. The Japanese method to this "dance" is in a start-stop rhythm. They move toward each other, but then awkwardly pull back--and this back and forth continues until it looks like a convoluted seizure.
Men and women play a spying game on each others minds. Men side step softly, making only a subtle cameo in the corner of the woman's mind, and then retreat back to their denizens of the deep, cerebral unknown. In Japanese culture, the burden is on the listener to understand what the speaker is saying. Therefore, the man treads lightly with his pitter-patter half steps until he is certain that the woman shares mutual feelings. He does so in order to not make the other person feel awkward or uncomfortable in case she doesn't want to join in for couple's dance.
For foreign women attempting to date in Japan, we are otherwise unaccustomed to this brutal polka. And because we don't understand, we assume the worst, because as women, we internalize everything. Most of us don't fit into Japanese clothing, so we must be too big for the men as well. We haven't mastered the reflexive giggle and aren't able to maintain an inherent submissiveness, so we're about as appealing as animals. But, in truth, the men are feeling the pressure to relate. If only we knew that is was just shyness that was keeping them at bay, not our large, American asses.
Once the initial steps are taken, the accordion pumps, the tuba blows and the polka is in full swing. In order to get to this step, there is what I call "the naming." Japanese people must label themselves as a couple before proceeding to do relationship things, like even kissing. The sanction of this naming is important because it honors the relationship between the two. In this respect, Americans could benefit from trying this method before they jump into the horizontal polka. Japanese don't have any moral hangups about premarital sex because there isn't religious attachment to the right way to lay. Perhaps honoring every woman in a one night stand as "you're my girlfriend...for the next 2 hours" might assuage any guilt she has on her walk of shame the morning after.
It seems like the polka is done in quick bursts of short movement. But, the brutal polka encompasses these fast twitches into months and months of dress rehearsal. It wears on your feet and your mind, leaving you confused, but at the same time hopeful. Foreign females beware. You are no longer preyed upon by the same men you met back in the states. They don't come after you, dick in hand, requesting some sort of sexual favor. They half-step forward and half-step back, leaving you dizzier than when you began. We American women are used to the two second, free-falling drop of a roller coaster; these jet coasters are sometimes too slow to ride.
Dates can be daunting as well. You might go blindly into it, set up by your friend who's friend of a friend is also single. You might find yourself sitting sadly while you wait for a not-so-charming prince to arrive as you belly up to the bar for a second margarita salted with tears. You might sit passively, nodding to your drone of a date while your inner self is devising a stealthy escape through the bathroom window.
Whether you're reveling in dessert that's as decadent as the man across from you, or swearing off the opposite sex all together because you just can't seem to find the right one, there's always one thing you can count on: the rules of the game.
The dating game is different in every country and with it comes a set of prescribed steps to take before strapping into the roller coaster we call a relationship. In Japan, they call this roller coaster a jet coaster, which refers to the same mechanism, but in just a slight change of the word, the ride can be completely different.
Japanese dating can best be described as a brutal polka. The traditionally Czech dance is a series of small half-steps with a partner. The Japanese method to this "dance" is in a start-stop rhythm. They move toward each other, but then awkwardly pull back--and this back and forth continues until it looks like a convoluted seizure.
Men and women play a spying game on each others minds. Men side step softly, making only a subtle cameo in the corner of the woman's mind, and then retreat back to their denizens of the deep, cerebral unknown. In Japanese culture, the burden is on the listener to understand what the speaker is saying. Therefore, the man treads lightly with his pitter-patter half steps until he is certain that the woman shares mutual feelings. He does so in order to not make the other person feel awkward or uncomfortable in case she doesn't want to join in for couple's dance.
For foreign women attempting to date in Japan, we are otherwise unaccustomed to this brutal polka. And because we don't understand, we assume the worst, because as women, we internalize everything. Most of us don't fit into Japanese clothing, so we must be too big for the men as well. We haven't mastered the reflexive giggle and aren't able to maintain an inherent submissiveness, so we're about as appealing as animals. But, in truth, the men are feeling the pressure to relate. If only we knew that is was just shyness that was keeping them at bay, not our large, American asses.
Once the initial steps are taken, the accordion pumps, the tuba blows and the polka is in full swing. In order to get to this step, there is what I call "the naming." Japanese people must label themselves as a couple before proceeding to do relationship things, like even kissing. The sanction of this naming is important because it honors the relationship between the two. In this respect, Americans could benefit from trying this method before they jump into the horizontal polka. Japanese don't have any moral hangups about premarital sex because there isn't religious attachment to the right way to lay. Perhaps honoring every woman in a one night stand as "you're my girlfriend...for the next 2 hours" might assuage any guilt she has on her walk of shame the morning after.
It seems like the polka is done in quick bursts of short movement. But, the brutal polka encompasses these fast twitches into months and months of dress rehearsal. It wears on your feet and your mind, leaving you confused, but at the same time hopeful. Foreign females beware. You are no longer preyed upon by the same men you met back in the states. They don't come after you, dick in hand, requesting some sort of sexual favor. They half-step forward and half-step back, leaving you dizzier than when you began. We American women are used to the two second, free-falling drop of a roller coaster; these jet coasters are sometimes too slow to ride.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Otaku, Ojisan and Gaijin: a triumvirate of awkwardness
As featured on the ever-popular, now coffee table bestseller Stuff White People Like, Japan is hands down a crowd pleaser among the Western folk.
Americans tend to glamorize the unknowns, especially those of a foreign, far east creed. The island nation exudes this alien aura of a beautiful unknown. Many of us cannot fathom an ancient society that for so long, kept it's culture and people locked within.
Be that as it may, Japan has now become popularized as being this nucleus where tradition and unparalleled technology fuse and form a mutated creature of a culture all its own.

From the outside looking in, Japan's mystery is alluring and radiates this delicate, exotic beauty. From the inside looking further in, Japan is full of a strangeness that is often exemplified by the men who live in it.
As a patriarchal male society, women are often left as an afterthought to the real inner workings of the country. There is this seeping awkwardness that transpires from the pores of most men in this country and they can be categorized into three major groups:
Ojisan. Ojisan literally means uncle in Japanese. But, that uncle. The estranged one that dropped out of life to do acid in his mid-40's and join a jazz quartet, touring parts of upstate New York and New Hampshire. The one that occasionally comes to family dinners and plays footsie with you under the table and then blames it on the cat after he steals all the dinner rolls and anything else he can fit into his man purse. Ojisans are creepy, older men who often come in numbers. They enjoy social drinking with fellow ojisan, plopping their overworked bald heads between the bosom of snack shop girls, licking the syphilis from their lips before heading home to their neglected wives, but not before groping the sweet, young short-skirted girls on the train ride there.
Gaijin. Finally the foreign icing on the awkwardly sliced shortcake. Gaijin are scalded like Hester Prynn with that scarlet letter "A" emblazoned all over their white, western faces. Gaijin who stay in Japan do so most likely to teach English or geek it up with their otaku neighbor. They could potentially be outcasted members of another society and seek solace in the strange, cold walls of a Japan unknown. Perhaps they have a hard time assimilating to their own culture so they strive for one so far removed from their own that they might actually fit in. 9 out 10 times it works.
Monday, November 16, 2009
The Running Kind
I was born the running kind
with leaving always on my mind
home was never home to me
at any time
every front door found me hoping
I would find the back door open
there just had to be an exit
for the running kind
within me there's a prison
surrounding me alone
as real as any dungeon
with its walls of stone
I know running's not the answer
though running's been my nature
and the thing in me
that keeps me moving on
I was born the running kind
with leaving always on my mind
Thursday, November 12, 2009
South Park vs. Japan: a battle of ethnic sarcasm
Simply by existing on this glorious green earth, one is subject to scrutiny. There is fodder that surrounds us all, and those with wit have the advantage of capitalizing on the opportunity to make fun of others.
Humor is not easy to come by. Some of us are born with impeccable comedic timing and others wallow in a shallow grave of stale gags and mediocre one liners they picked up from a guy funnier than they.
Recently, the shock value of a joke is at a price too high for riches. All the cock talk, dick and fart jokes, and the grotesque animation to date dominates the comedic spectrum and almost drowns out classical stand up gigs and variety shows.

As an American expatriate, living in Japan has enlivened a sarcastic spirit. In the last few seasons of South Park, my interest was waning and I believed it had lost any sense of real poignancy in it's humor and creativity to do so.
However, my mind is no longer addled by the senselessness of American culture, politics and people, so I therefore seek truth in that which I can bemuse myself. That, or Japanese have no sense of humor I can understand, so I resort to the extreme and inundate myself with potty talk and the patronizing defamation of any living soul.
The one thing South Park doesn't discriminate on is it's fair and equal castration of ethnic groups alike. The Mexicans, Mormons, Peruvian flutists and gays--they get it all the same, and they get it good. Nonetheless, the Japanese more so than other defamed featured foreigners seem to have captured the attention of South Park's creators for several seasons.
Season 7's Japancentric episode, Good Times with Weapons was a rattling spoof on anime and ninja play fighting. The boys' imaginations take them to an anime world where all sense of reality is lost--much like Japan in the sense that people can become so obsessed with the anime otaku culture.
In both episodes, Parker and Stone clearly identify Japanese fads that became mainstream in America. Yet, in the most recent Japan episode from Season 13, "Whale Whores", South Park has seemed to step up it's social commentary game and tried to stir the pot, targeting both the issue of whaling and dolphin killing in Japan as well as the craptastic Discovery Channel show Whale Wars.
It was well-played, and these Japan episodes definitely have a native player on the inside. Word is Trey Parker's wife is Japanese and he can speak the language well. In that case, I'm sure his understanding for the culture is much greater than the average American's. Even if not, he at least made his point that sometimes the funniest ethnic put downs are more elaborate than just exaggerated racial profiling. It is an attack on our own ignorance and maybe those of us too dimwitted to realize have the last laugh.

Starting in Season 3, the episode Chinpokomon aired. "Chinpokomon", in Japanese means "little penis", which is a reference I would have never picked up on had I not recapped the episode in the break room with my American co-worker within an earshot of my Japanese manager who laughed hysterically and proceeded to explain it's meaning.
The episode features knock-off Pokemon dolls who brainwash the children into conspiring with the Japanese to take over America. In the end, the toys ultimately became uncool and the plan to re-bomb Pearl Harbor is aborted.


This episode, like many others, uses a little reverse psychology. They aren't making fun of the Japanese, rather the people who are complaining about the Japanese killing whales and dolphins and believe the Japanese to be a barbaric country full of men dressed in robes who run around spearing things. It only proves American ignorance to foreign cultures such as Japan and exposes such stereotypes through mockery.

Thursday, November 5, 2009
A fad for fall plaid
It's not just the youngsters, err should I say hipsters, that are making this pattern famous across Japan. When a fashion trend reaches it's moment in the sun, everyone wants a few of it's rays.
With the cool, crisp air blowing and the foliage that excites us to many a-Kodak moment, plaid is the fashion for fall and it is on every hanger, thrift store and Japanese person in sight.
Another plaid partisan you would find more in the eccentric pockets of urban cities. The hipsters don plaid for every occasion, whether it's riding their fixed gears to the art show or behind the counter of a dilettante cafe. Their unwashed, greasy hair lines with a film their unkempt stubble, an assortment of tattoos and piercings, thick rimmed glasses all the way down to their skinny jeans and beat up skate shoes. Plaid to the hipster is a way of saying f u to those who care about fashion. But, then again, if the hipsters have created their own group in an attempt to be group-less, then what is anything they do other than trendy?
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Consumerism taken to a new level of depressing
Ah, the Japanese Costco. Who really needed to know it actually existed? I deign to shop at a store I believe is single-handedly responsible for the obesity "epidemic" in America. Well, I guess we can't kid ourselves; we have many corporate fast food players to thank for putting their hands into our cookie jars and force feeding us crap by means of compounded advertising and brain warpage.

There were sordid couples arguing over which package of 10 lb. processed nitrates to poison their biracial children with. I overheard other geeky foreigners explaining to their unassuming Japanese wives the benefits of frozen food and how getting a year's stockpile was such a useful idea. The insanity!
Of course, there were the generic Costco baked goods that made me squeamish thinking of how in both the US and Japan they can produce the same exact pastries in that industrial nightmare of a kitchen back there. I curse the day I put one of those blueberry muffins to my lips and swallowed--like the sweet, deluded venom of a viper, it will kill me quicker than the Kool Aid at Jonestown.

Thursday, October 15, 2009
From the makeshift Japanese kitchen of an amateur foreign cook
Sometimes when I watch Top Chef, I pretend to know what they're talking about. All these intricate culinary processes, these unknown cuts of meat and ways to flavor it, these French cooking terms I thought I would understand by default after studying the language for 11 years. I guess the sheer confusion of it all is what makes it entertainment. However, on the real side of life, Japanese cooking has been proven to be not only simple, but deliciously healthy.

First, a rice based meal. Any poultry, fish or meat can easily compliment the loved and ubiquitous starch staple. Plain, unseasoned, white short-grain rice is the popular choice. It is always served steamed and fresh. From this base, a curry or sweet and sour sauce can be added to the meat or fish to flavor. But, mostly, the Japanese prefer the plain, subtle taste of rice, which is good for every culinary occasion.

Monday, October 12, 2009
Cultural Cargo
As the name suggests, the Kobe Biennale is an art exhibition that takes places every other year. Autumn is a time where Japan takes particular mention to culture, especially that of international acclaim. Kobe, as it is historically known to do, opens its ports to manifest a sense of global culture and absorbs the creativity of its own local artists.



Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Unstrapped
If I were a robber, Japan would be my Candyland. As a predominately cash-based society and with an unparalleled consumerism that makes even Americans look like conservative spenders, Japanese malls, convenient stores and pretty much anywhere else that financial transactions take place are packing tons of unprotected cash.
For gun control lobbyists, Japan is a dream come true. The law is simple: no one can bear firearms or swords under any circumstance. The only people allowed to possess a weapon at any time are police and the military. With one of the world's lowest crime rate and the gun crime rate nearly nonexistent, anti-gun lobbies tout Japan as the kind of nation America could be.
While Japan could be considered a parallel universe in comparison to America, I don't think gun control is what keeps the crime rate low--it's people control. Japanese society is kept on a tight leash by the government and the police force. Questioning personal freedoms and basic rights is rare, which is a basic motivator American's thrive on. The Japanese criminal justice system bears more heavily on a suspect than any other system in an industrial democratic nation.
Partly because the Japanese are so unified and homogenous, they accept and internalize social controls. It is this attitude of obedience and impulse control that matters most in the low Japanese crime rate. Guns or not, the Japanese are simply the world's most law-abiding people.

What interests me more about the lack of citizen-held weaponry in Japan is how it affects the people's system of worry. For most humans, our basic motivators for survival are the same. We think primitively about the safety and health of ourselves and our families, and the threat of gun violence or robbery is definitely something the majority of Americans have at least an inkling of worry about. We can't leave our doors unlocked or walk onto a crowded bus without double checking our pockets to make sure nothing's been picked.
But, in Japan, this type of threat doesn't exist. So, in turn, Japanese have more than enough time to worry themselves over other daily occurrences, that to an American, may seem trivial in the grand scheme of survival.
Even so, as long as my biggest concern is preventing myself from getting a curable disease (H1N1) and too much sun, I'll enjoy this gunless utopia and revel in the fact that I can walk home late at night without fear.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Umbrella Etiquette
Rain or shine, it's parasol time. In Japan, umbrellas or parasols are one of the most fashionable and widely used accessories. Whether it's shielding the smoldering summer sun or from a tsunami-style downpour, umbrellas are ubiquitous. And on crowded city sidewalks or even the less trodden ones, sometimes they pose as more of an obstacle than ornament.


Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Remnants of Ill-will
I try to be diligent about keeping up with U.S. news, but sometimes I'm glad to take a break from it.
Recent headlines have had me thanking my adventurous inclination to leave all that ego behind.

